Reinvention

I am going to write a novel. This has been decided as of this past Monday. Writing was always a creative outlet for me growing up. Poetry, stories, songs. The pen touching the notepad and the fingers stroking the keys helped make me into who I am. But somewhere along the lines, I lost that spark. Lately it has felt more and more like an internal struggle between the creative and the corporate. Sure, there have been many attempts at different ventures and hobbies to try and fill that missing piece in my life, but it never lasted and always seemed to lead to disappointment:

• Produce music
• Start DJ’ing
• Create an inspiring social media page, or maybe one about our new dog
• Write articles for fantasy basketball websites
• Learn to code to create my own website
• Create a blog

The last one really stands out. There was definitely effort. On WordPress alone I can see the skeletons of three separate blogs that were created to…well I don’t really know. I know what they were about, the first one was about music. I thought I wrote a really impactful, and essential love letter to my experiences with music with my first blog post (I may copy it over here so that all my triumph and failure can be shared in one place). Then I quickly realized, it was to an audience of one, the promotion side of blogging is something that I struggled with. Also I felt this embarrassment of sharing with the larger audience that I have on most social media sites. The one platform I felt comfortable sharing with, Twitter, I had a whopping 75 followers. So I tried a few half-hearted attempts at interjecting my blog page into posts, using hashtags, etc… and my best single day traffic was 10 visitors.

Coincidently I also started slacking on writing. I made a grand attempt to review each Kanye West album on the lead up to the release of the Life Of Pablo, but I only made it through one. That’s another thing to know about me, I can be like a sonic boom firecracker at times; loud at the start but not a lot of continuity when the noise wears off.

A couple of years later, I had an even more grandiose idea. To start two blogs concurrently, one celebrating the life of our brand new puppy Schmidt, and a second celebrating another one of my loves, basketball. Because if keeping up with one blog and trying to push the promotion wasn’t enough to weigh me down…why not try two at the same time. Needless to say the impact was minimal, and so was my effort. The most beneficial part was being able to write an ode to my Toronto Raptors fandom when they finally broke through and won the 2019 NBA Championship. A moment I will cherish forever that is enshrined within this blog with the readership of one (me!).

Over the years I have thought about why I failed at self-motivating to put a true effort in. I always have blamed it on the long hours at the office, the commute once work is completed and trying to be all about my family when I’m at home. But deep down I know that is not the truth. Unfortunately the truth is a bit more sinister, I haven’t believed in myself. I haven’t believed that I have it in me to write engaging content that will cultivate a true readership and create a community of individuals with both the same thoughts as well as the exact opposite and everyone in between. I haven’t believed that the consistency is going to be there, so why bother.

In 2020 we faced a global pandemic that forever altered how we live, what we determine is right vs wrong and good vs evil. We have learned in the past year of family and friends the are diametrically opposed to the values that mean so much to us. As the world heals we are going to have to face these issues head on in order to move forward. Internally there has been much learning as well. As someone who has been able to push through some significant mental health hurdles, I felt an odd calm over the past year. The feeling that the storm will end and the clouds will dissipate, is engrained in my very existence. I live these thoughts every day so that I’m always mentally prepared for the tough ones. At the same time however, it has forced me to review my life and where I am at this moment. Beautiful wife, perfect kids, and financially stable for the first time in adulthood I have continued to feel like there is something missing. I can see the outline of the shadow of where the piece is, but I can’t grab it, it just floats outside my reach.

I have realized I want the best of both worlds, the creative and the corporate. Proud of what I have accomplished professionally but not wanting it to define who I am as a person. On Dec 27, 2020 I took my first steps towards stepping outside of that definition and settling into my true self. I stopped consuming animal product. I am now on day 53 of being 100% plant based and can’t recall feeling so alert and alive. I will write in the future more about this topic so I don’t want to spoil it all but I can say wholeheartedly that I will never look back. In my 37th year on earth one of my biggest regrets now is not doing it sooner. I am also in the middle of training for my first half-marathon (Again a topic for another day). All steps towards becoming the person I truly see myself as, healthy, alternative-living, a step outside the regular circle.

Which leads me back to the beginning, writing a novel. A large leap from creating intermittent content for a blog that nobody reads to publishing a fictional story for consumption. It feels different this time though. As soon as the idea crossed my mind it has steadily grown until it has consumed me. The subject is being fully fleshed out, continuous research being completed. When working on it, I feel truly alive. I think about how it could be the beginning of the creative and the corporate blending. Art and business meeting at the intersection of life. I am truly excited about something other than family, work and entertainment for the first time in as long as I can remember.

Concurrently while creating this world that I will continue to immerse myself in, one word, one page, one chapter at a time, I don’t want to lose this feeling that I have been searching for. This need to do something everlasting that I have been longing for. Thus, I have repurposed the blog. Still titled Box and One, but not strictly about basketball. The skeleton of the site is still there, the three lonely posts from 2019 and 2020 are in the archives, but the direction of the blog has changed. This is day one of a new challenge, write…every day. Write something, does not matter if its a long-winded journal style entry like this, or trying out different narrative styles for the book. Just write…The challenge is internal, it does not have a time limit but I am going to stick to it. Some days will be 500 words, others could be 5,000. No topic is off limits, I am no longer going to pigeon-hole myself into one specific corner just because that’s what others have done before me. I am a brain, and an athlete, and a basketcase, and a princess and a criminal. Does that answer your question?

Sincerely yours,

Box and One